Conflict Management Self-Reflection Paper Paulina Mooradian Azusa Pacific University
Conflict, from what I have learned, refers to friction or struggle between interdependent parties. Conflict arises when the actions or convictions of one individual or individuals clashes with another individual or other people. Everybody goes through and handles conflict differently. In the past the way I have dealt with conflict was by avoiding it because that made me feel better. When I was younger I would lock myself in my bedroom to steer clear of conflict at all costs. Confronting any type of situation was very scary for me because I feared the thought of emotional or mental abuse, which often happened when a disagreement or argument was on the horizon. My parents fought all the time, which is one of the reasons I used to run away from conflict because I experienced the harsh aftermath of it. As I have grown older, I have learned that conflict is better resolved by facing it head on because avoiding it just leads to bitterness, resentment, and the thought of being stuck in a hole and not being able to move forward. One of my biggest conflicts in my life involves my biological father, who basically left me homeless while I was still a teenager and I have dealt with that by cutting him out of my life. I once read a post by an anonymous person that, in so many words, said that if something does not grow you or feed into you in a positive way then it is not worth the pain. I have carried this with me through many situations involving my father because I view him as toxic and harmful. Currently, I am at a point in my life where I am happier and feel like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders by not having him in my life. Tackling this familial situation for many years of my life has made me realize, much like the anonymous post I referred to above, that there is a difference between avoiding conflict and withdrawing from something that does not feed into me constructively or that does not lead to hope and joy. I went from avoiding conflicts at all costs to taking a step back when I knew a situation would take me down instead of lift me up. With respect to engaging in conflict in my workplace as well as in my social and communal life, my current mindset of handling conflict is by addressing the issue right away and not allowing it to linger. I am a relational person and I strive to build healthy relationships with those around me. In order to healthily maintain my relationships, when a conflict occurs I will often pull the person aside and discuss the issue one on one. While conflict may be inevitable it does not always have to be dealt with in front of other people. I believe in privacy and that some things are sorted out in a more effective way when there is not an audience watching. From what I learned in the course textbooks, there are constructive and destructive ways of handling conflict. I have been in situations where the other person in the conflict resorts to attacking or ambushing and one thing most people know about me is that instead of attacking, I listen and hear the other person out before stating my side. When I listen, I do my best to understand where they are coming from and I try to put myself in their shoes. Due to the fact that I am a people pleaser, I will often apologize for making them feel a certain way or sometimes I apologize more than I should to keep the peace because, in a way, I look at myself as a peacemaker and I do not like drama. Keeping the peace by apologizing or asking what I can do to make the situation more amicable lightens the situation and allows me to not be so stressed out over it. Taking responsibility for my actions relieves anxiety and stress and shows the other party that I am willing to collaborate and willing to work on getting to a mutual place of harmony. Being aware of my hot buttons, which are actions that are known to elicit strong emotional responses from somebody, also helps me to effectively deal with conflicts. Growing up I had a family member who really knew how to push my buttons and it would provoke an unpleasant reaction from me. Even in my current workplace there are people who like to push my buttons and I try to keep my distant from people who get pleasure out of doing things because they know it bothers others. It makes sense for me to steer clear of individuals who push my buttons because that way I refrain from saying or doing something that will only make the situation worse. If I know that something harsh or grating is going to be said as a reaction to something, often times I will give myself a time-out or just a time to “cool off” before going back in and handling the situation in a more effective way. Knowing my hot buttons and acknowledging what sets me off is a strength of mine when it comes to conflict because I know what kinds of actions get to me and I know when to excuse myself out of not wanting to make the situation worse. With respect to my conflict strengths as well as my weaknesses, a skill that I have is listening to understand rather than listening to respond. I want to know how a person feels and what they are thinking. I seek to more wisely understand why they feel the way they do, also known as perspective taking. I also do not believe in cutting people off, I try my best to allow the person to finish their story in the hopes that he or she will reciprocate and allow me to share my side. One of my weaknesses is with respect to venting, sometimes I vent a bit too much and I end up overwhelming the other person and lose their attention at some point. When I am frustrated or stressed because of a previous issue, I release my anger on people who do not deserve and, as a future leader, I would like to work on not being so quick to vent or be too emotionally verbal when it may not be warranted. In terms of clarification and verifying that I heard someone right, one of my strengths is asking “Did I hear you right?” or “Can you further explain what you mean by x, y, and z?” By doing this, I get better and more accurate information from the other person on how they view something. I try to use open-ended questions so I can gain further perspective as to how I can help or be of better assistance. Admittedly, one of my weaknesses is trying to find a happy medium or some sort of common ground. Occasionally agreeing to disagree can be useful but when there is accurate and sound facts involved it makes it easier to come to a better judgment and both parties are more willing to be held accountable for their parts. One aspect of conflict that I could improve on is making sure there are substantial and precise details in order to move forward. This can help both parties to find a solution and to better judge where each party stands. As a leader, it is important to focus on the content of a situation and not the personalities involved. One thing I have learned from conflict is that when the conflict becomes relationship-oriented, that means we are wrongly focused on the person when we should be focused on the problem at hand. I am guilty of attributing certain judgments to the person rather than to the situation especially when I am irritated or disappointed. I think progress in conflict management comes from refraining from insulting or making brash judgments about the other party and instead focusing on the content of the situation. I will be the first to admit that a weakness of mine is making preconceived judgments or unkind remarks about someone involved in the situation and I hope to make progress on focusing on finding common ground and a sound solution. In terms of the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Instrument, the conflict mode that I fit best into is the collaborating style. The goal of this style is mutual participation, one in which each party is equally involved in the conflict and responsibility is taken on each end. Mutual problem solving is the gist of the collaborating style and while this conflict mode is strength of mine it can also be a weakness and during times like this is when I remind myself that resolution to a problem takes two people. In the past, I have been known to exhibit the avoiding styles as well as competing style. I can recount times in my life where I have tried to make myself look better than the other party by blaming or trying to win by being defensive and, unfortunately, at times I tend to bounce back to that mode of conflict and then I tell myself a relationship involves two people and a conflict is not just about one person but both. The accommodating conflict mode is the opposite of the competing style, one that says that people put his or her own issues aside in order to put somebody else first. This is yet another conflict style that I have used when dealing with a problem. I tend to be a people pleaser and therefore the accommodating style has worked for me because I try to steer clear of drama and anything that could result in an explosive fight. With respect to the compromising style, both parties are willing to give something up in order to find a mutually acceptable solution. This is my second ranked conflict style that I tend to utilize when solving a problem. Collaborating and compromising are my top two styles because both involve being mutually responsive and responsible for what happens in the situation. Accommodating and compromising are both in second place in the rank of conflict styles that I utilize when handling conflict. The two that I steer clear of are avoiding, because conflict needs to be faced and confronted, and competing because a conflict is about more than one person. Conflict should be mutual and both parties should be held accountable for their parts in the conflict. Conflict is about hearing each other out and looking to understand where each other is coming from and building a solution off of sound facts and knowing what each other wants out of the conflict.